in random depression stuff

1. I had a bit of a breakdown last night, which was pretty strange because I hadn’t been feeling depressed or ought. I got back home from work, put some music on and found myself crying! It might have been partly to do with me pmsing and thus being hyperemotional, and also partly to do with my reading Prozac nation and winding up reflecting and thinking about my own life. Reading about Elizabeth Wurtzels life, especially her early preadolescent life brought back a lot of unfond memories of my own – feelings of rejection – my dad, past failed relationships etc, although some of it did help in that it made me think in a different light. I hadn’t thought for example, like the way I think now that my dad was probably the way he was because he had his own problems that he couldn’t deal with, and wasn’t very good at expressing himself. That I might actually find myself being able to relate to his issues, if only we could have a conversation about it. That he might be able to share his pain with me and I might understand. At the same time it’s hard, it’s not easy for me to just forget everything that he did.

2. Anyway, I finished reading Prozac nation and now I’m like so sad it’s over, but at the same time I do feel somewhat refreshed. I had the chance to think about a lot of it, and about my life in between reading it. I totally related to a lot of it, and loved the ending which was the whole reason I got the book. Because I wanted to know why it was she thought she recovered, or at least got better, what it was that she felt took away the whole black wave. I love how she says towards the end, “Any time I am bothered about anything, whether it’s a line that’s too long at the bank or a man who doesn’t return my love, I have to remind myself that these emotional experiences (petty annoyance in the former instance, heartbreak in the latter) are reasonable and discrete unto themselves.”

Which is so true, that’s exactly how you need to look at it, instead of thinking each time something happens for example – oh no, he broke my heart, oh crap my whole life has been like this, it’s always going to be like this, and letting it bring you back to the same place you were the last time you got depressed, to letting it bring back past grievances, it’s actually ok to think you know what, someone broke my heart today, it’s shit, and it’s ok for me to feel sad for a bit, but what is it to me? It’s just something that’s been thrown at me but it’s not me so I’m allowed to feel sad but I have to move on. I’m not in it.