I suddenly feel inspired to write, maybe not here, maybe in some way that needs to be organized and well thought up before it’s enough to tell as a story that inspires someone, that will at least make someone think in a different light, that might make someone want to do something differently. Whether I’m good enough at expressing myself in written form I don’t know. But I feel like trying. It just has to make sense though, and at this point I don’t really know where or how to start. I keep thinking who am I to think that what I have to say is of importance enough that some other person might want to read. But I guess another way of looking at it is it could be something of my own, something to keep me in check, like my own journal. Or maybe I’ve just been smoking too many fags, reading too much crap and listening to too much obscure music for my own good! All this artsy stuff. It gets to you after a while, makes you think just because you’ve read or heard something meaningful that someone has put out, that you also have something meaningful to put out and say to the world.
I read this extract from Elizabeth Wurtzels book – More, now and again the other day. I was longing to read more of her stuff after thoroughly enjoying Prozac Nation. It was like some form of escape for me I don’t know. From the exerpt I read of More, now and again she says something like ” I don’t need drugs, I don’t need friends – for all I care the phone can be disconnected. I’m through with everything. Bye-bye life…I love it. I am not making this up. This is my idea of heaven. I’ve got a TV and a VCR, I’ve got 51 channels of cable, I’ve got a view of the Intracoastal, I can laugh at the pathos of human existence all day long because it does not matter any more.” I absolutely love it! That is so me at times, just some good food and some good tv or some good Tracy Chapman or something to sail me away from my troubles and I couldn’t care less about what’s going on outside.
So I’ve been like dying to get More, now and again so I went to MPH first thing in the morning before work yesterday to get it, and unfortunately to my disappointment they didn’t have it! So sad, anyway instead of that I got Anne Franks diary, which I should be digging into soon. Actually had planned to read half of it this morning, then get into some studying, and go out later to run some errands, prepare for my Sat morning tutoring session and finally dinner with Eunice, but I just got up, and it’s 1.30pm and now I’m sitting here blogging.
Work at the cafe was good yesterday, nothing out of the ordinary though, nothing like the randomness that goes off at the cafe some days. Like the day some random geezer walked into the cafe with a video cam and started filming the damn place, and me! Until Megan, my workmate had to ask him to leave. Well, that just killed me really it made my day, I do have to admit that I was quite flattered by it, though it still was a pretty strange sight! Anyway, nothing happened yesterday, I just love working with mama Helen and Eric, they are my people. Quite sad that Eric is leaving soon, but hopefully we’ll keep in touch.
Mama Helen doesn’t know it but I think she’s absolutely fabulous and she’s a legend and I love her. She inspires me in a lot of ways. She’s just, different from a lot of Singaporeans I’ve met. You know, like life isn’t all about being an overachiever and doing stuff so you can gain respect from people. It’s also about following your dreams, being yourself, just the way you are, being confident and happy with that person you are regardless of what other people think. I feel like in med school here I’ve met a lot of people that are brought up to think life is all about being a straight A student and being good and the best at everything and all that. Like most of my peers are in it because it’s prestigious, it’s a respectable thing to do, it seems like the best thing to do and not because they are truly passionate about science or about making a difference and helping people. That gets to me at times.
Like people that think they are the cream of the crop, there’s non better than them and are totally jaded of the fact that there are other people out there, another life out there, with people that are doing nothing but following their passions – being happy and living a pretty good life. Mama Helen said something to me once about how ignorance is bliss sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes – which I totally loved. I think it’s true, if you start thinking deeply about all the stuff that goes on around you, well at least if you’re like me that’s just when you start getting depressed.
Went out to watch Planet terror with Inch last night, it’s funny because my first impression of the movie was mindless gore, but after a while into it it’s like, it was intentionally mindless, it’s Quinten Tarantino, it was pretty obscure which kinda made it good in it’s own way! – One-legged girl with a machine gun on her stump, Bruce Willis and Fergie making a brief appearance, people getting zombified and having bubbles of puss dripping out of their faces, it was just, wierd! Inch and I were going on about the different reactions we would have had from our workmates if they’d gone to watch it with us, had a pretty good laugh.
I felt healthy last night, like the kind of healthy I would normally tell my therapist about, like last night I was sociable and I had a pretty long day at work yet I still managed to go out to watch a movie with a mate and have a good time at it. I kind of miss having therapy in that sense. At times I was always looking for something good to tell my therapist in the next session, because it made me feel good when my progress was pleasing to her, so I learnt to try and look at the good simple things in my life. I guess that’s one good thing I got out of therapy. Sometimes I wish I could go back for that, for having someone that’s just there to listen to me speak about… hmm not much really lol. But we had a wierd sort of misunderstanding in the end when I stopped seeing her. I kind of suffered from it, it almost felt like breaking up with someone I’d come to trust and look to for assurance.
And I miss J.C. J.C was this guy I met and sorta had a fling with if I can say that. You know, one of those when u meet someone that seems pretty cool and you really want to get to know them and date them and stuff but then they don’t really want to date you and it turns out to be like a fling thing. J.C told me after a while that he wasn’t really looking for a girlfriend, but instead was looking to date a lot. Which was yeh u know, I really liked him though. And I quite miss him, because he smoked menthol ciggarettes and seemed to appreciate me as a person, my niceness and all, and he too was nice. And he did teach me that I have to be assertive about what I want. I was kinda upset for a while but we’re friends now, except we’re both really busy.
